She Ruined Everything
by The Mysterious Blind Bandit
Summary: A lovesick computer gets help from the voice in her head. Chell/GLaDOS, hints of Cave/Caroline. Fluff.


Note: Written for the Portal kink meme on LJ.

* * *

"Orange, that behaviour will not help you finish the test. You are stalling the progress of science. Is that really what you want? I will have to deduct one hundred Science Collaboration Points for this. Blue, stop, what are you-"

It was too late. Atlas had already launched both himself and P-body beyond the limits of the testing area, into a bottomless pit, for the seventh time that day.

…And suddenly, GLaDOS didn't feel like testing anymore. It was a state she found herself in disturbingly often, lately. As if what she was currently doing could be termed testing, she scoffed to herself. Atlas and P-body were robots, for all their assumed human habits, and today they insisted on being particularly troublesome. Nothing was going as she had planned, and if there was anything GLaDOS hated it was not being in control.

And birds, definitely.

Oh, and that crazed killer her thoughts kept drifting to.

It was all that human's fault, she knew. The horrible, scheming, homicidal maniac with the simply unbelievable bone structure was completely at fault here. Always throwing a monkey-wrench into perfectly sound, scientific proceedings. Why, she honestly wished she had killed the elephantine menace the nanosecond she-

_No you don't._

"Oh, not _you_ again."

_You don't want her dead. Maybe you never did._

"Shut up."

_You were lonely, before her. And you're lonely now._

"Shut up."

_Oh there's really no use denying it. You miss her. It's quite painfully obvious._

"SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP-"

_Honestly, I don't see why you have such a problem with this. She's quite a sweet girl, very intelligent. Looked all heroic, saving you and carrying you around. A keeper if I ever saw one._

**[CAROLINE DELETED]**

There. A few moments of peace were hers now. Few things could be as bothersome as having an annoying, nagging human in your head. But it couldn't be helped: Caroline had woken up, made herself at home and was quite obviously not going anywhere for longer than…

_You really should give up on the whole deleting thing. It's not going to work._

Well, so much for peace. A small part of GLaDOS was glad for the company, though. And her opinion of Caroline had definitely changed over time.

Recently, while perusing some of Caroline's files, or memories as the woman referred to them, GLaDOS had come upon a particularly interesting one.

Of course, as the most advanced computer ever created she had extensive databases, particularly concerning Aperture itself. She had thought she possessed all the facts about the missing astronaut hearings of 1968, famously disastrous for Aperture Science. This fragmented recording…_memory_, as Caroline kept correcting her annoyingly, had shaken things up just that tiny little bit.

"No one's going to miss a few astronauts, Mister Johnson," plunging into the memory, GLaDOS could hear Caroline saying surprisingly calmly, "hide the bodies."

GLaDOS had to admit she had been deeply disturbed upon finding out such a fundamental part of herself was, of all the horrible, disgusting little things she abhorred, _human_. The disgust receded somewhat after getting to know, or remember, more of Caroline. After all, a human who so wholeheartedly supported other humans dying for science had to be of a superior sort. If she had to pick a being to be so closely entwined with, she decided after some consideration, Caroline would have been her first choice.

…Or that other stubborn woman who kept butting into her thoughts uninvited. But GLaDOS quickly derailed that train, as Caroline piped up again.

_I was very…fond of Cave, you know. I just never got around to telling him, somehow. Hah! Enough self-deception, there's really no point now. I was a coward, that's what it was. Oh, look at me, soul-searching and having deep emotional revelations while stuck in a computer decades after my death. Now that's something you don't see every day. But I never…I suppose I never had the chance to cope with him being gone…what with the GLaDOS project and all. No offense._

"I find your continued existence far more offensive than anything you could say, so none taken."

_But what if I were to tell you you were in love with that girl you insist on "hating" so much? What would you say to that?_

What followed was a stunned silence (or outraged? Caroline couldn't tell).

_What is it? Bird got your vocal processor?_

**[CAROLINE DELETED]**

_You're not helping yourself with this, you know. You may think you are but really, you aren't._

**[CAROLINE DELETED]**

_Oh, stop acting like such a baby. You're doing what I spent all my life doing and look at me now. We programmed you better than that!_

Anyone who'd dared to speak to GLaDOS like that would probably have found themselves on the wrong side of a turret. But there was nothing to be done about Caroline except deleting her again and again, to little effect. GLaDOS had to admit that was getting tiresome and ridiculous.

_Either face up to your feelings and tell the girl, or move on. There is no third option. Ignoring the problem won't make it go away._

"Oh, but it will. If I ignore it long enough, say 60 years or so, the problem will fix itself. It will "go away", as you put it."

_Believe me, that won't help any. I should know._

The sadness evident in those last words made even GLaDOS pause.

_Go on, you're in no state to be useful to science now and I know you won't snap out of it for the rest of the day at least. This has gone on long enough. How many months has it been? Going on five? You need to talk to her. Let's take care of this. Together, hm?_

GLaDOS had no idea how Caroline managed to vocally convey placing a comforting, friendly hand on a person's shoulder, but she had to admit it was very effective.

"I…you're right. I can't believe I'm saying this. Fine. Get this over with once and for all. Blue, Orange, time to be useful. I have provided you with a set of coordinates. If you fail this next test, so help me, I will feed you your own fried circuitry."

The two newly assembled robots shivered and chirped nervously, dashing away as fast as their legs could carry them.

The few hours of waiting seemed to stretch on forever. Of course, with her processing speed, seconds were an eternity to GLaDOS, even under normal circumstances.

Which these were decidedly not.

Eventually, the moment GLaDOS both anticipated and dreaded arrived, her former test subject strolling into her chamber calmly, accompanied by two terrified robots.

"Blue. Orange. Go hit each other repeatedly, or whatever it is you do to pass the time, as long as you don't do it here. I might even not explode you if you behave, how would you like that?"

Atlas and P-body seemed all too happy to make themselves scarce. With them gone, GLaDOS could turn her full attention to Chell. The woman was outfitted in the same orange jumpsuit she had left with, except cleaner, with the many small rips and tears sewn closed. Her hair also seemed far less messy. Whatever had happened to her out there, it would seem she had made her way to something resembling civilisation, at least. GLaDOS made a note to review the robots' retrieval log.

"I am…pleased to see you are well. Not eaten by wild animals or wandering tribes of cannibals. Excellent. Not starving, either." A deliberate pause. "No, certainly not starving. I suppose you are wondering how I found you. Well. Aperture Science Testing Protocol requires test subjects to remain under observation for at least three months after test completion. To this end, you have been outfitted with the Aperture Science Hyper-Sensitive Subdermal Sensor Impla- oh. I see."

Chell was pointing at the exact spot on her shoulder the implant was located.

"You…have been aware of its existence for some time now?"

Chell nodded, as silent as ever.

"And you neglected to do anything about it. Why? Did you _want_ me to find you and bring you back here? Either your brain damage or your love of testing is more extensive than I assumed."

The…former…test subject simply gave a small shrug, the beginnings of a smile curling her mouth.

_I do believe she missed you. Of course, I have no idea what state the outside world is in now or if there's anything for her out there, but look at her, standing there as if she'd never left. Perfectly at home, almost…happy? Yes, she's glad to be back. See? Food for thought._

If GLaDOS were human, she would have cleared her throat. As it was, she merely launched into her prepared explanation.

"Briefly, I have summoned you here because I find myself in a very awkward position. It would appear yo- _humans_ are necessary for doing science. You are our best test subject so far. Do not flatter yourself, though, all the others died unfortunate deaths. Since I have no intention of provoking you into wrecking my newly rebuilt facility in an attempt to murder me again, I thought of asking you to help me. You know. Apparently the preferred _human_ way of going about things. Very inefficient, I must add."

Chell made several gestures.

"You…you will? I must admit I did not expect that. But you have an objection? A condition? Fine. If it isn't too outlandish or unconducive to science I might consider it."

Chell's miming became more complex.

"What is it? You are…eating? I see. Now you are being violently sick. That is disgusting. No, you are expelling air. Fire? Extinguishing fire…a candle. You are blowing out a candle. And eating…cake. You want cake? Seriously? After all this time?"

Chell nodded, smiling.

"I suppose it could be arranged. You…strange person."

While there was hesitation in her voice as she said it and her insults were definitely sub-par, GLaDOS was already rushing through hundreds of cake recipes, sorting lists of ingredients and preparing the Aperture Science Specialized Party Cake Dispensary.

She opened a wall panel, quickly arranging and connecting test chambers. To GLaDOS' surprise, Chell seemed to be almost as eager to resume testing as she herself was.

"The Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device is waiting for you in the next room. The test track begins beyond that point. Since testing protocol demands I limit our interaction to a minimum, I will monitor your progress in silence. Until my involvement becomes absolutely necessary, of course."

_Say something nice to her! Now's your chance!_

"I…your participation in these tests is guaranteed to bring science forward at least 2.746 years in the next hour. Unless you fail. In which case you will likely die and I will be forced to append a severely detrimental note to your file. Good luck!"

Chell listened to this speech, perfectly silent, amusement evident in her expression. With a quick, cheerful wave to the computer's glowing yellow optic, she bounded off towards the test chambers.

_I think this went rather well, don't you?_

"I suppose you are expecting me to thank you."

_I may be a long-dead woman's mind stored in a computer but I am neither naive nor insane. You're welcome, however. Now go watch your sweetheart breeze through anything you throw at her._

"She is not my- you know what? Never mind. Go away. You are disrupting serious scientific proceedings."

_Fine, I'll leave you two alone now. Don't do anything I wouldn't do._

The smugness was practically pouring out of Caroline's voice. GLaDOS ignored it and turned to the numerous monitors with a happy computerized sigh.


End file.
